Happy anniversary to me!!!
The closer I get to my divorce anniversary and the date I made the decision to leave the addict that was once a part of my life, the more it allows me the opportunity to reflect and be thankful for the freedom I now have.
I’m not the only one that has gone through an alcoholic husband and unfortunately I won’t be the last one. One thing is clear, those of us who suffer at the hands of an alcoholic have lived a life no one wants to talk about. An incredibly painful experience filled with lies, deceit, blame and anger kept tightly sealed behind closed doors. It is a lonely life and I know what is like to carry scars others can’t see.
I want to be different. I want to share my story in the hopes I can help other women. In the hopes that my story will free many others like I freed myself and deter others from entering that door. More importantly, I want to help the children who are the silent and biggest victims of this trauma. My healing is over; it was an almost three year journey. I now enjoy a new world that I have been lucky to discover. I can’t do anything about what happened in the past, but I can now write a new ending for my future filled with the amazing things I want out of life while keeping the negative out.
But today is not about talking about the past. Today is about celebrating and being thankful! Thankful for the incredible growth, happiness and opportunities I’ve experienced in the time following my decision. There was pain along the way, but I kept on remembering that without pain there is no growth so not only was it needed, but necessary to my personal success. So every day I got up. Every day I worked on me. Every day I helped someone else in need. And more importantly, every day I was there for my kids.
And so I’ve succeeded. My successes in life have always been fueled by my drive, determination, ability to see the lesson learned and never allowing anyone to bring me down and this was no different. I worked hard on leaving the past behind and healing while learning his choices were all his to make. While learning his blame is simply a projection of his own behavior, his denial is his inability to own the damage he has done while his failure to apologize reflects incomplete recovery.
The biggest celebration is that I am finally healed. Today, my body, my mind, my heart, my everything said you have done your work. I have dug deep and neither my mind nor my soul bears any resentment from my past. There is no hate in my heart, never has been. Simply a scar, completely healed, completely sealed. It’s there and maybe with time the wrinkles that will eventually cover my skin will cover it. Maybe with more time my skin will simply make it disappear. The emotional pain is gone. I felt it. I lived it. I remembered it and now it is passed me. I no longer allow myself to feel his anger towards me. I see it, as even a blind man could, but his anger is his to carry and I no longer have to welcome it in my soul.
Today, I get to see it all for what it truly was, a lesson. A lesson that changed my life, my mind, and even my destiny. A lesson that is taking me into a path I never knew I would be in. It also helped me become an even better mother; to listen, to truly listen to my children and allow them the opportunity to express themselves without fear and without judgement. It has allowed me the opportunity to become their safety net while they too deal with their trauma and their pain.
That lesson also allowed me the opportunity to see beyond what is right in front of my eyes, to not miss the tree in the forest, to understand not only my journey, but the journey of others. To know not everyone will find their way, but to be thankful that I did. To allow others to be lost in their path while helping those that want to find a way out.
The nightmares taking me back to those 10 years are gone. My dreams revolve about reaching out to try to help others that have fallen for his lies. The ones he will eventually destroy. But I have also learned that I can’t carry that burden as if they would simply see his actions they would see what lies ahead for them. I am now in total control of what I allow in my life. My circle has never been tighter and my tribe of both men and women has never been stronger. To the men and women that have been and continue to be a part of my journey I owe you my well being.
I am healed and today I get to put that shit in ink and remove myself from anything that doesn’t serve me. He no longer evokes anything, but compassion from me. Compassion, because seeing someone else’s true colors, lies, and deceitful behavior does not make me angry; it simply makes me thankful that I am no longer around and sorry for those that still are next to him.
My body is calm. My heart beats at a nice steady rhythm. My breathing is relaxed and I no longer shake inside.
Almost three years of work, of discovery, of digging, of being able to find the truth under all the lies. Three years of showing up every single day, of getting up even on the days my body wanted me to give up. Three years where I relearned what I already knew before, the greatness and fire that lies within me. Almost three years where I discovered the universe has an entire bag of goodies waiting for me and to trust the process it is taken, even if it hurts along the way. Almost three years where I showed up not only for me, but for my kids, where I encouraged, empowered, transformed and set an example and led not only my children, but other women down a better path.
So as the date gets closer to that anniversary date I get to feel thankful, vulnerable, and brave enough to share my healing, a part of my story, and my life. Thankful I get to lay next to my children while I still work on their healing. Thankful I get to live my truth, practice what I preach and enjoy a brand new world that is now available for me.
So next time you see me post a drink on my social media pages remember it symbolizes my freedom from an addict. Know that although I don’t drink much because I rather have a coke 0, I am genuinely at a place where I can be happy, comfortable and more importantly safe. A place where I can just breathe and enjoy what is around me. A place of freedom where I am finally able to enjoy a glass of wine on my back porch while I write or while I hang with my friends. A place where I can use alcohol as a true opportunity to connect and be intentional with others.
I am happy and I will cheer for that as I have a glass of red wine.
Happy Anniversary to me!